Honest Thoughts on Balance in Blogging

I've been taking a long, careful look at my blog lately. And I have to say: I'm not satisfied. I'm not a huge fan of what my blog has morphed into. My blog has become a constant question of "what can I teach people today," which is all well and good. But I'm running out of things to teach. How can I keep writing posts on productivity when I spend at least half an hour on Pinterest a day and miss deadlines and have a messy bedroom sometimes? I've created this identity for myself as an "expert" in the things I blog about + that's just not fair. I'm not an expert in design, productivity, even music. 

When I first started blogging, it was all about me. I posted pictures of myself, recaps of my weekends, long posts on what I was thinking about or worried about. But no one was reading my blog then. No one cared to read about my conversation with a friend or what was good or terrible about my day. And I get that; I'm not complaining. I don't blame anyone on the internet for not caring about my mundane day-to-days. 

And so I've been teaching, because that's what people like to read. People like to read about how I design or stay productive. But I feel like I've been missing the personality, the genuine Allie-ness that used to emanate from my blog. I feel like I've been acting like someone I'm not, at least not completely. Some part of me truly is a teacher. I like spreading knowledge + getting it from others. But when I found that people preferred reading those kinds of posts, that became all I posted. 

We bloggers love to say that we only blog for ourselves. As if our blogs are our private journals that people just happen to read. But I would be lying if I said that my content doesn't revolve around my stats. If people like a post, you bet I'll post more of it. If people don't...well, it's less of a priority. And although many bloggers may not want to admit this, I love pageviews--and that's not a bad thing. I love knowing that I have people reading the words that I spend hours writing down. I revel in that. But I feel that I worry about my pageviews at the expense of creating a haven of honesty, friendship, and vibrancy in my blog.

I've felt to very out-of-touch with the blogging community as of late. All of my time goes to planning content, drafting posts or editing images. I honestly don't spend time commenting on other blogs, tweeting at my favorite bloggers or collaborating anymore. It's been months since I wrote a guest post. 

But, friends, I want to change. I want to be more genuine and real and (remember my word of the year?!) open. I don't want to have to choose between pageviews and accurately representing myself but it seems I might have to. But the community here in blogging is important enough that I'm going to do just that.

So consider this an announcement of sorts: this will be changing. Much of my blog content will be the same. But much will change. I want to show all of me on the blog--not just my "design, productivity, music, positivity + science," aka my five topics here on CMS. I'll be opening up about what it's like to start transitioning for college + preparing for a four-year long distance relationship. I want to talk about my struggles with anxiety and staying in shape and being the lone introvert in a family of extroverts. I'm going to talk about what I actually do--and not just how I do it faster or more productively. 

I want to breathe life into this blog again. And if it's at the price of pageviews, so be it. 

I really would love to hear your thoughts on this. Please leave me a comment--how often do you blog about personal things? How do you maintain a balance between blogging for stats + blogging for you?

Why I Like Jerry Springer

I feel like a thousand people are about to [x] out of my blog after reading just the blog title. But it's true, I legitimately enjoy watching Jerry Springer on some level. Yeah, it's twisted, I know. Judge away!--but first, let me explain.

Dislaimer: I don't agree with most things on the show and I doubt you do either.  I think most sane people feel the same way. It shows way too screwed up relationships and yeah, I do feel sorry for the guests on the show.

But here's the tricky part: as much as I want to hate the show, I can't. Every time a girl brings in a cheating boyfriend and yells at him, I get a small amount of satisfaction. I somehow get pleasure out of watching people get things out in the open and stand up for themselves when they've been wronged.

Ignoring all the slapping and swearing and et cetera, if we could all be that honest all the time, wouldn't we be happier?

Awhile ago, the boy and I had a bit of an argument. There was something that was bothering me for a little while but I kept ignoring it because I didn't want to argue about it. So I just stuffed it down deep and didn't say anything. But then later, after something little he said, I got mad. It all comes out sometime. And because I let it build, I was upset enough about it that it was hard to discuss like mature people and it came out as an attack on him.

Once we had come to an agreement, he just asked me why I didn't tell him. And that's a hard question, why we aren't honest.

Is it because I'm afraid of making things uncomfortable, I just want peace or am I just self-centered? I don't know the answer.

Get yourself a giggle out of this "brutal betrayal".

When I think about it, my dishonesty is everywhere, and with all honesty, yours probably is too. Not straight up lies, but we sugarcoat, we tame things down or leave out important information. In the example I just mentioned, I withheld something important deliberately. I try not to, but I'm human and I do lie more than I would care to admit. But then really, am I not almost continually lying?

A customer at work (I scoop ice cream) last night asked me how I was. And I answered with my standard, "I'm good, how are you?" little spiel. But in truth, my head hurt, we were severely understaffed, I had just cut my hand on the shake blender (those suckers are weapons, I tell you) minutes before. I wanted advil and a nap, not to make four chocolate peanut butter banana shakes.

But would it really have been acceptable to answer with that? Even politely, to say "It's been a long night; I'm a bit stressed"? I doubt anyone would like that. I think most people would be caught off guard and at least slightly uncomfortable. Because when people ask how you're doing, a huge percentage of the time, they don't care about your answer. And we know this.

And I can't wrap this post up with an answer as to why we treat each other the way we do; I'm guilty of the same. But I just had to get that off my chest and I think it's worth recognizing that our small dishonest moments change the way we treat other people and by extension, the happiness of people around us.

Be honest--do you watch Jerry Springer? Are you totally judging me? And you deserve a prize for reading this whole thing. Props to you.